July 10, 2013

Some harsh truths

Many of you who read this blog are dear friends who know that I've been extremely unhappy for some time, and that's primarily because I haven't found a stable, full-time job yet (and I 100% hate instability in my personal life) - I don't know where I'm going to be come February of next year, my family is breathing down my neck asking me about job applications incessantly, and to be honest, a lot of this unhappiness is wrapped up in how I've been seeing myself so far as a failure. A failure for many reasons, but most notably because of how far it is from what I expect of myself.

And so I've been making myself even more unhappy by telling myself things like: you're not that smart so it's ok. You're lazy so really you don't deserve to get a job anyway. I have never really quite said so many awful things to myself as I have these past 9 months, and at its root, I think it's because it's even more awful to think that an intelligent, hardworking, eager to learn person cannot get a break. And that it's easier to believe that I'm dumb or lazy or just plain unworthy than to think that it's just plain bad luck or it's not my time yet.

Anyway - maybe you're struggling through something like this right now, this deep unhappiness with yourself or with your life. Maybe not. But my body has quite literally broken down over these past 2 days (throat infection the likes of which I haven't seen since my stressed out JC days and a happy little flu to go along with that). I took 2 days off work and spent time with myself and a healthy dose of Hulu, and then came across this article about how to stop comparing yourself with others, by the lovely (and very wise) Rachel from In Spaces Between.

The thing that struck me most about it was this journal prompt:
What can I celebrate about myself and how far I've come in the past month/ 6 months/ 12 month, right this second?

And what I'm celebrating is this:
- This blog which I have created and which I am very proud of (and hopefully some of you love reading too)
- Giving of myself 150% everyday. I don't half-ass my work and I have never done something or applied for a job or had a conversation with someone without being truly genuine and of myself. I have never done this and I don't intend on starting now.
- Plodding forward regardless. I'm on track to getting my driving license by the end of the summer, I'm keeping to my savings goals, and I'm still applying to jobs and speaking with people relentlessly. I am SO PROUD of this actually (and yes I still don't have my driving license yet, mildly sacrilegious in California I know)

My good friend Jorel said to me recently that joy isn't necessarily happiness, but it's the settled feeling that life is unfolding as it should. I think I'm starting to finally grasp this: to find that space within myself that is proud of who I am and not necessarily what I have accomplished, but what I know I can do. There's a mildly terrifying power in finally starting to believe in yourself again.

Image from Tumblr, as most quotes accompanying emo posts are

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